Mother to Mother

My Mom’s birthday was November 13.  She would have been 54 years old.  It doesn’t seem like she’s been gone for 14 years and yet at times it seems like far longer.  In just 4 more years I will have lived the same number of years without her that I lived with her, and in 6 years I will be the same age as she was when she left this world.  I’m not sharing this because I am searching for sympathy but rather because I think about her alot and it helps to get those thoughts out whether through writing or talking to someone.

Since I became a mother she has been on my mind alot more.  It was tough not having her there when I got married but not having her here now when I have a child of my own has been much harder.  I wonder what she would have said to me, mother to mother.  What advice, what stories, what memories of her own experiences would have been shared?  I often imagine things she would have said and envision her being on the first plane out to visit her new granddaughter who she would have spoiled absolutely rotten!  She would have been so happy for me and would have loved Joslyn beyond measure.  She would have been an amazing Mamaw and Joslyn would have loved her so much.

I like to look back at these pictures and wonder what it was like for her being a first time Momma.  How did she and my Dad handle the day-to-day tasks that come along with a newborn?  My Dad has shared some of his memories of that time with me which I am thankful for, and I am so blessed that he is still here and that Joslyn will get to know her Papaw.  I still long for those memories that my Mom would have shared though as I think a mother’s perspective is quite different from a father’s.  I don’t mean that in a negative way…obviously we ALL experience things differently, and I just think the memories my Mom would have shared would have resonated with me in a different way as a woman and a mother myself.

Looking at these photos makes me happy.  It’s so fun to see myself as a baby at about the same age Joslyn is now and to see my Mom at that time.  Even though she looks as beautiful as ever, I wonder if she felt as tired as I do some days. 🙂 I know my Mom loved my brothers and I so much and loved being a Mom with all her heart.  I hope that Joslyn can look back at photos one day and feel that too and know how much I love her.

I hope she sees the pure joy on my face like I see on my Mom’s face in this picture, and I hope she knows that she is the reason for that.

Although I really see alot of Justin in Joslyn, I sometimes see my Mom too which may seem strange especially since I tend to look more like my Dad.  Perhaps I want to see that so I do, but when I look down at her and an image of my Mom pops into my head it definitely makes my heart happy.

I hope Joslyn knows the value of family and treasures it because you never know when things will change.

I will always regret not learning my Mom’s recipes. She was a GREAT cook!  Of course, being a strong-willed and stubborn teenager, I wanted NOTHING to do with anything remotely domestic, especially cooking. The ironic thing is that now I love to cook.  At least I have some of her recipes, but how I would have loved to make her spaghetti sauce.  I have yet to find that recipe written anywhere.

I hope Joslyn grows up with fun memories of good times shared with her family and friends.

I hope with all my heart that if she decides to have children one day that I will be there to share in that with her because I know what it’s like not to have your Mom there for that, but if I’m not I hope that she will be able to look back at the memories we did share and know in her heart what I would have said and done.  I hope the thoughts and memories she would carry of me would be shared with her children just as I plan to share my memories of my Mom, Joslyn’s Mamaw Kay, with her.

I certainly plan for Joslyn to know her Mamaw Kay even though she will never get to meet her face to face.  She will know what a loving and generous person her Mamaw was and how she ALWAYS put the needs of her family and friends before her own.  She will feel her love even though she is not here to give it herself…I am determined to make that happen.

Although it’s hard for me not to have my Mom here, especially now that I’m a Mom, I take comfort in the memories I have of her and being able to share those with Joslyn will always keep my Mom close.

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6 Responses to Mother to Mother

  1. Sandy Ross says:

    This is so sweet and sad at the same time. Your mom will always be with you and apart of your life. I am thankful for all that my mom taught me and for all the years that I had with her. The good part is I will see her one day again because I know she is with Jesus just like your mom. Kay would be so proud of you and the wonderful mom that you are. Just wish you were closer home. I love you Amber and know that you are one great daughter and mom!
    Love you
    Sandy

  2. alison rice says:

    crying…sobbing….heart breaking…sweet.
    speachless.

  3. real touching, brought tears. glad u can remember your Mom like that. Love u.

  4. Andrea Gillette says:

    Through tears I write this… we should all be so lucky to have our children remember us as you do your mother.

  5. Brandy Crawford says:

    I love u Amber! Your mom would be so proud of the woman and mother you have become. I know she is looking down on you and smiling. I know she is with Lexi keeping her safe up there! Joslyn will know her mawmaw through watching and listening to you, because she is in you. I love and miss you very much!

  6. Elizabeth Bailes says:

    Just got a chance to read this….now Im wiping away tears as I write this. Life has no guarantees…I understand completely. Since having Mason, I always wish at times that my dad could see him.The little things Mason does that reminds me of him.It never gets easier. You truely dont understand until you lose a parent. Im pretty sure that my dad is in heaven playing softball w/ all of his old buddies and your momma is probably keeping the score…waiting on us patiently until we meet again….love you buddy always and forever

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